Insanity in the Leaf Village
by Agent HUNK
Summary: Prequal to Insanity in the Soul Society. Agent HUNK and Dr. InsaneO just wanted to go get some burgers. Instead, they ended up in the Leaf Village. Hilarity ensues, with plenty of awkward moments, perverted comments, and good old fashioned violence!
1. Gates and Doors

Welcome to "Insanity in the Leaf Village." I'm Agent HUNK, your writer and host for this little misadventure. You may know me and my stories, or you might be a new reader, especially since I've never written a (decent) Naruto fan fic.

Anyway, this is a story about the self-inserts of myself and my friend Dr. Insane-O. Don't worry, all Naruto characters shall remain as In Character as possible.

This story takes place during the 1 month period before the Final Exam, during which Naruto met Jariaya and all that jazz.

Review, please! Compliments, flames, ideas, complaints, I don't care! Just pleeeeeease leave reviews after reading this story!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

* * *

It was a normal day in the world of Naruto. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and everything was peaceful. Inside of the village, the people were happy and busy. The outside of the village was deserted, however. The dirt path in front of the gates into the Leaf Village was deserted. 

For the moment, at least.

The peace outside the gate was broken by a loud boom and a bright flash of light. Instantly, two men appeared standing on the dirt path. One of them was wearing a black uniform, fingerless gloves, a bullet proof vest, elbow and knee pads, a gas mask with red goggles, and a helmet. The other man, who had short brown hair, was wearing a black tuxedo, red tie, a white lab coat, and two monocles. The two men looked at their surroundings for a few seconds, and then at each other.

"Dude, where are we?" the man in the lab coat spoke first.

"How should I know?" the Kevlar-clad man shrugged.

"Well, you're the dude with the freaky-deaky magical powers!" the man in the lab coat exclaimed.

"And I seem to have made a mistake with those powers..." the soldier-looking man shrugged again. "I meant to send us to the burger restaraunt. Not some dirt path in front of a big gate."

"Gate?" the man in the lab coat looked up at the gate. "Is that a gate?"

"What else would it be?" the other man sighed.

"A door?" the guy in the lab coat smirked.

"For a doctor, you're an idiot, Dr. Insane-O..." the other man shook his head.

"I'm an idiot?" Dr. Insane-O was taken aback.

"Yes. Yes, you are. You are quite an idiot," the other man repeated his statement.

"Yeah, well... I bet you're reeeeeeeally ugly under that mask, Agent HUNK!" Dr. Insane-O poked his friend in the chest, which served no purpose as the Kevlar vest absorbed the force of the blow and made his finger hurt.

"You've seen my face..." Agent HUNK replied calmly.

"Yeah, well maybe it changed since the last time I saw it!" Dr. Insane-O suggested.

"Again. You're an idiot..." Agent HUNK shook his head.

"I am not an idiot! I HAVE A PhD!" Dr. Insane-O pulled a piece of paper out of his coat.

"That you drew on a piece of paper yourself. Quite badly, I might add..." Agent HUNK pointed out.

"Grrr..." Dr. Insane-O growled. "Okay, whatever! Where are we, anyway?"

"We've gone over this already..." Agent HUNK sighed. "I don't know..."

---

Meanwhile, atop the gate, two Leaf Village shinobi were watching the show with curiosity and confusion. They were great heroes to the people of the Leaf Village, and two of the greatest ninja ever to live. They were Kakashi Hatake and Might Guy. And they had no idea what it was that they were looking at.

"Hm..." Kakashi mused to himself. "And they just appeared out of nowhere?"

"That's what the witnesses said..." Guy replied, not taking his eyes off the two men bickering below them.

"Should we capture them?" Kakashi asked.

"They don't look like enemy shinobi..." Guy shrugged, turning his back on the sight.

"Looks can be decieving..." Kakashi warned.

"Lets just watch them for a few more minutes," Guy suggested.

"Uh oh..." Kakashi suddenly leaned forward.

"What?" Guy spun about to see what was happening. "Hmmm... this might be interesting..."

---

"No, you're stupid!" Dr. Insane-O yelled, poking Agent HUNK's chest.

"No, you're stupid!" Agent HUNK did the same.

"No, you are!"

"No, you!"

"No, you!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"MY FINGER HURTS!!!" Dr. Insane-O exclaimed. "Poking Kevlar is not a good idea..."

"Gee, ya think?" Agent HUNK chuckled. A kunai suddenly streaked past his head, cutting his laughter short. "Eh?"

"Here's the deal..." a rugged looking fellow swaggered out of some bushes alongside the road, followed by three other men. "Give us all your money..."

"Oh, great. Bandits..." Agent HUNK sarcastically moaned.

"Or else?" Dr. Insane-O arched an eyebrow.

"Or else, this!" Out of the bushes rushed another man. In the blink of an eye, he closed the distance between himself and Agent HUNK. He rammed into the defenseless man and jabbed a kunai into his stomach. Without a sound, Agent HUNK leaned forward onto the man's shoulder limply.

"Agent HUNK!" Dr. Insane-O yelled. He was suddenly cut down by several shuriken striking his back, and he fell to the ground with a dull thud.

---

"Hm. Well, I guess they wheren't spies..." Kakashi sighed sadly.

"Yeah. Well, lets go take care of the bandits..." Guy drew a kunai and prepared to jump down.

"Wait!" Kakashi held up a hand to stop him.

"Huh?" Guy looked down. "What?"

"Just watch..." Kakashi advised him.

---

"Heh heh heh..." the man supporting Agent HUNK's body chuckled. "Fools. You should have just given us the money..."

"Okay, two things..." Agent HUNK suddenly lifted his head up.

"HUH?!" the bandits all stared in disbelief.

"One... I'm wearing a Kevlar vest..." he nodded downward. "And two... You made a big mistake."

"Two things from me, too!" Dr. Insane-O sat up. "One... I'm wearing an indestructable lab coat! And two... I'm just going to sit back and watch Agent HUNK rape your souls!" he grinned.

"Rape our souls?" the man in front of Agent HUNK arched an eyebrow.

"Yes. Now prepare to have your soul raped. It won't be fun!" Agent HUNK suddenly reached up and grabbed the dude by the throat. He forced the flailing man to stare into his goggles, and after a few minutes the man stopped moving. Agent HUNK then threw him to the ground. "Who's next?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!" the remaining bandits screamed and ran off.

"YEAH!!! YEAH!!! WHAT NOW!? WHAT NOW?!" Dr. Insane-O cheered. He then turned to face Agent HUNK and asked nervously: "Did you really rape his soul? I mean, I was just joking, but that was freaky..."

"No," Agent HUNK shook his head. "I just choked him until he passed out. He should wake up..." he kicked the sleeping bandit, "Eventually."

"Hm..." Dr. Insane-O nodded his head. "I see."

"HELLO THERE!!!" a loud voice suddenly exclaimed. Dr. Insane-O and Agent HUNK both turned to see who was talking to them. A few feet away from them stood Kakashi and Guy. "EVERYBODY ENJOYING THEIR YOUTH?" Guy flashed a goofy grin.

"SWEET GRACIOUS!!!" Agent HUNK exclaimed. "IT'S KAKASHI HATAKE!!!"

"GUY SENSEI!!!" Dr. Insane-O sank to his knees and crawled over to Guy. He then began to hug his leg and kiss his feet. "YOU'RE MY HERO!!!"

"TEACH MEEEEE!!!" Agent HUNK did the same to Kakashi.

"..." Kakashi and Guy both looked at each other. They shrugged, looked down at the two men, and then knocked them both out with a swift kick to the face.

* * *

And so the madness begins. How much trouble are Dr. Insane-O and Agent HUNK going to get into?

Well, I suppose it depends on your definition of trouble...

Again... please review!


	2. Questions and Answers

Ah. The downside to Naruto fanfiction is that it gets updated so much and so fast, your story is an the second page in about 20 minutes...

Here's chapter 2. And keep an eye open for "Kakashi's Dating Service" which should be posted later today, depending on how fast I type...

Disclaimer: Hey guess what? I still don't own Naruto!

* * *

"They should be waking up soon," a black-clad shinobi with a scarred face informed Kakashi and Guy. They were standing in a dim-lit hallway, and there were two plain grey doors on either side of them. "Kakashi, you take the guy with the goggles. Guy, you take the man with monocles. Got it?"

"No problem, Ibiki..." Kakashi shrugged.

"Leave it to me!" Guy flashed a smile and gave a thumbs-up.

"Good," Ibiki replied. "You may begin the interogation now..."

---

"Wassat?" Agent HUNK sat up at the sound of a door opening. He was sitting at a metal table in a grey room, which was lit by a single lightbulb which flickered every now and then. There was a door on the opposite side of the room, and Kakashi Hatake had just stepped through it with a clipboard clutched in his hands. "Oh hey, Copy Cat Kakashi! Wassup?"

"State your name, rank, and land," Kakashi ordered stoicly as he took a seat opposite of Agent HUNK.

"Um..." Agent HUNK paused to think. "Agent HUNK, Author, and the United States of America."

"Hm," Kakashi checked the clipboard. "I've never heard of that rank or land."

"Don't worry, I'm sure nobody else has..." Agent HUNK shrugged.

"What is your reason for being here?" Kakashi asked.

"Burgers," was the reply.

"Burgers?" Kakashi arched his solitary exposed eyebrow.

"Yes, cheeseburgers. Me and Dr. Insane-O wanted to go get some burgers, and I just clapped my hands to take us there. But we ended up here, instead..."

"You clapped your hands?" Kakashi asked. "What sort of jutsu is that?"

"A super jutsu..." Agent HUNK chuckled.

"I see..." Kakashi checked the clipboard. "I saw what you did to those bandits..."

"Okay, look. I did not rape his soul. I just choked him..." Agent HUNK shook his hands in front of his face. "I didn't do any freaky 'looking-into-my-wierd-eyes' stuff like you can do with that Sharingan eye."

"Hm?" Kakashi arched his brow again. "You know about my eye?"

"Dude, I know everything about everyone in this village, and every other village. If it is knowable, I probably know it..." Agent HUNK boasted.

"Who are my students?" Kakashi suddenly asked.

"Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura make up Team 7, " Agent HUNK replied.

"What are their hobbies?" Kakashi then asked.

"Eating ramen, being emo, and stalking Sasuke, respectively," Agent HUNK replied. "And your hobbies are being lazy, arriving late, and reading the Icha-Icha book series. You also try to express the importance of teamwork in anything and everything you do."

Kakashi stared at Agent HUNK, trying to think of something else to say. "Those are easy to know," he narrowed his eye. "Name some things nobody else could know."

"Hm. Very well then..." Agent HUNK leaned forward and whispered a few things to Kakashi. He then sat back down, leaving Kakashi wide-eyed and speechless. "And that's how you got your Sharingan eye..."

"What else do you know?" Kakashi asked, stunned by the man's knowledge of his secret.

"Well..." Agent HUNK paused to think. "I know that-"

---

Dr. Insane-O went through pretty much the same thing. He awoke to the same sound, found himself in the same room, but was greeted quite differently.

"HELLO!!!" Guy exclaimed jovially. "HAVE YOU BEEN ENJOYING THE ETERNAL FLOWER OF YOUTH?"

Dr. Insane-O stared at him for a second, and then stated: "Okay, you're my hero and everything... But I just have to point out that what you just said sounded kinda pervy..."

Guy ignored the second sentence. "I'm your hero?!" Guy placed one foot on the chair in front of him and struck a heroic pose. "Well I guess that's no suprise! I'm everyone's hero!"

"Not my buddy Agent HUNK's..." Dr. Insane-O replied. "His hero is Kakashi."

"Ah... well, I suppose Kakashi needs fans too. Considering I have MORE THAN HE EVER WILL!!!" Guy boasted proudly.

"BOOYAH!!!" Dr. Insane-O cheered.

"So what brings you here?" Guy suddenly asked seriously as he sat down.

"Burgers," Dr. Insane-O shrugged.

"Burgers?" Guy arched one of his big bushy eyebrows.

"Yes, burgers..." Dr. Insane-O replied. "Agent HUNK tried to teleport us to the burger shop, but we ended up-"

"Woah, wait," Guy interupted him. "Did you say teleport?"

"Yeah," Dr. Insane-O shrugged. "He just claps his hands and we go places. He can also summon weapons, change his appearance, et cetra. Kinda like a jutsu, but on steroids and crack. So yeah... he can do super jutsus, to sum it up."

"Super jutsus?" Guy mused. "Hm."

---

A few seconds later, the two shinobi stepped into the hallway outside. "Well, what did you learn?"

"The man I interogated is known as Agent HUNK," Kakashi answered. "And he's very interesting. He knows _everything_."

"Everything?" Ibiki didn't quite understand.

"Everything," Kakashi nodded. "He knows everything about me, my team, Guy, and even a few things I didn't know..."

"Such as?" Ibiki asked.

"You like opera?" Kakashi arched an eyebrow.

"Ahem," Ibiki dodged the question and turned his attention to Guy. "What did you learn."

"Oh, I quite that interview when I found out that the other guy can do Super Jutsus," Guy grinned.

"Super Jutsus?" Ibiki didn't follow this either.

"He teleport himself, others, items, objects, change his appearance, and even travel between dimensions..." Guy replied.

"Hm..." Ibiki mused for a moment. "Guy, go inform the Hokage of these developements. Kakashi, go interogate Agent HUNK again. I'm going to go finish Guy's job..."

---

A few minutes later, Guy returned, escorted by the 3rd Hokage. What they found was rather odd. Kakashi and Agent HUNK were both standing in the hallway enjoying a friendly discussion. Ibiki was curled up on the floor in the fetal position, tears streaming down his terrified face. "What is going on here?" the 3rd Hokage asked.

"Oh, I'm telling Kakashi about my powers..." Agent HUNK shrugged. "Nice to meet you, Honorable Hokage. I am Agent HUNK," he bowed slightly. "And I hereby swear my allegiance to the Village Hidden in the Leaves."

"Yes, well... It is nice to meet you, as well," the Hokage replied, slightly confused. "And if Kakashi does not consider you to be a threat, then we humbly accept your allegiance."

"What happened to Ibiki?" Guy pointed at the seemingly traumatised ANBU operative.

"My friend got on his nerves and drove him insane..." Agent HUNK sighed sadly. "He tends to do that easily..."

---

"I wonder where Mr. Ugly went?" Dr. Insane-O sighed boredly inside his room. Suddenly, the door flew open, and Agent HUNK stuck his head into the room.

"Hey buddy!" Agent HUNK exclaimed.

"Hey buddy!" Dr. Insane-O replied. "What's going on?"

"Good news and bad news!" Agent HUNK answered. "The good news is... Kakashi is going to take me on as his apprentice!"

"WHAT!?" Dr. Insane-O yelled. "WHY?!"

"I asked..." Agent HUNK shrugged.

"What's the bad news?" Dr. Insane-O sighed.

"Oh... um..." Agent HUNK averted his eyes to the floor. "Yeaaaaahhhhh... They're going to execute you in 20 minutes..."

"WHAT?!" Dr. Insane-O jumped to his feet.

"BYE!!!" Agent HUNK waved and then slammed the door behind him.

Dr. Insane-O stood silently for a moment. He then shrugged and sighed. "Oh well... At least I got to talk to Guy for a minute and a half..."

* * *

Hm. Talk about your ups and downs. Agent HUNK gets to be taught by his hero, and Dr. Insane-O gets to die. How fair is that?

Quite fair in my book. :) Heh heh...

Review, please!


	3. Perverted Aura?

Hm... I had hoped for this fic to recieve more attention. Looks like the other "Insanity" sequals may not be a good idea...

Anyway, enough delays! Lets get back to the story.

* * *

"Where are we going?" Dr. Insane-O asked the masked ANBU guards who were escorting him down a dark corridor. They did not respond. They simply continued to walk along, periodically prodding him and growling for him to hurry up. 

Finally, they reached a door. One of the guards opened it, and the other shoved Dr. Insane-O through it. He suddenly found himself out in the middle of the Leaf Village, up on a stage and surrounded by ANBU guards. A large crowd of cheering people had gathered in front of the stage, and one face in particular stood out to Dr. Insane-O. "HI AGENT HUNK!!!" he exclaimed with a wave.

"Hi, buddy!" Agent HUNK waved back. He was standing between Kakashi and Guy, and there was a Leaf Village headband strapped to his right arm, as well as a kunai box strapped to his left arm. "How's it going?"

"Pretty good!" Dr. Insane-O replied cheerily. "I'm about to be executed!"

"Cool!" Agent HUNK replied. "That sucks!"

"Yeah! At least I accomplished my dream!" Dr. Insane-O grinned.

"To die?" Kakashi arched an eyebrow.

"No!" Dr. Insane-O replied. "To meet Guy!"

At this point, Guy flashed his trademark smile and blinded Agent HUNK momentarilly. "Urg..." the Kevlar-clad man shook his head. "That's interesting..."

"So are you gonna help me?" Dr. Insane-O smiled.

"Nope," Agent HUNK shook his head. "I'm going to watch you die..."

"What?" Dr. Insane-O's smile faded. "Huh?"

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!" an ANBU officer wielding a katana stepped forward. "THE EXECUTION OF THIS SPY IS AT HAND!!!"

"How 'bout a hand?" Dr. Insane-O asked Agent HUNK meekly.

"Nope..." he shook his head.

"IF ANYONE HAS ANY OBJECTIONS..." the ANBU grabbed Dr. Insane-O and forced him to his knees. He then raised his katana into the air. "LET THEM SPEAK NOW!!!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!!!" a loud voice suddenly boomed.

"Huh?" everyone turned to see who objected.

"I OBJECT!!!" a red-robed and silver-haired ninja stood triumphantly behind the crowd. "LET THIS MAN LIVE!!!"

"JARIAYA!?" Dr. Insane-O fell to the ground in shock.

"For what reasons?" the ANBU growled.

"I wish to take him on as my apprentice!" Jariaya grinned.

"Eh?" Dr. Insane-O and the ANBU both stared at him.

"Even from miles away, I could detect this mans perverted aura! I simply _had_ to train him!" Jariaya exclaimed.

"Is he serious?" Kakashi stared in disbelief.

"No..." Agent HUNK shook his head. "I asked him to save my friend..."

"Why'd he agree, though?" Kakashi asked.

"The perverted aura thing..." Agent HUNK sighed, "Is true..."

"WOOPIEEEEEEE!!!" Dr. Insane-O jumped to his feet. "I GET TO BE TRAINED BY THE PERVY SAGE!!!"

"Woopie..." all the women in the audience grumbled.

---

"So, Kakashi..." Agent HUNK and Kakashi were in the the Ramen shop discussing the terms of his training, "Since I'm not a student, par se, should I call you Kakashi-sensei?"

"Yes," Kakashi replied bluntly.

"Okaaay..." Agent HUNK didn't object. "What about your training of Sasuke?"

"I'll train you on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and Sasuke on every other day..." Kakashi replied.

"Cool..." Agent HUNK nodded. "Too bad today is Monday..."

"Yes. Sadly, I must spend my time with Mr. Power-Hungry..." Kakashi sighed.

"Here you go..." the store owner handed them their bowls. The two men looked down at their food, and then each other.

"Hmmm... You won't take your mask off either, I assume?" Agent HUNK asked.

"Nope. Not when people I know are present. You?" Kakashi asked.

"IF HE TOOK IT OFF, YOU'D DIE BECAUSE OF HIS UGLYNESS!!!" a voice screamed out. Kakashi and Agent HUNK turned to find Dr. Insane-O standing in the doorway. Jariaya was standing next to him, his eyes focused on the waitress.

"Um... no..." Agent HUNK denied it. "Why are you here?"

"We're doing..." Jariaya narrowed his eyes and glanced from side to side, "Research..."

"What kind of research?" Kakashi asked knowingly.

"Jutsus!" Jariaya replied.

"Awsome jutsus!" Dr. Insane-O grinned.

"And what jutsu would that be?" Agent HUNK asked.

"The Summoning Technique!" Jariaya exclaimed.

"REALLY?!" Dr. Insane-O's eyes nearly fell out of his head. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE ONLY GOING TO TEACH ME THE PEEPING TOM TECHNIQUES!!! AWSOME!!!"

"Ahem..." Jariaya avoided the glares from all the women patrons. "And what about you? What are you teaching your student?"

"The Chidori," Kakashi shrugged.

"Eh?" Agent HUNK cocked his head to the side. "Chidi-whatty?"

"The Chidori..." Kakashi repeated. "It's-"

"I know what it is!" Agent HUNK waved his hands. "But why are you teaching me it?!"

"Because you seem like you can handle it..." Kakashi shrugged.

"Hah!" Agent HUNK laughed at Dr. Insane-O. "Plppppppptttt!" he blew a raspberry at his friend.

Awkward silence.

"You spit on your goggles, didn't you?" Dr. Insane-O snickered.

"Yes..." Agent HUNK growled. "Would somebody be nice enough to escort me to the bathroom so I can clean my goggles?"

"Sure!" Dr. Insane-O grabbed him and dragged him away. A seconds later, several women screamed. Dr. Insane-O swaggered back to Kakashi and Jariaya with a smirk on his face. "He didn't say which bathroom..."

* * *

What are friends without a little rivalry? Hah...

Review, please, and let me know this story doesn't suck!


	4. Behind the Mask

Ah, quite sad... Not too many hits to this story... Plus I'm finding myself unable to come up with too many good ideas. Plus I'm impatient and I want to get to work on the other Agent HUNK and Dr. Insane-O stories I'm thinking of...

So yeah, gimme some ideas! I don't want this story to croak! I like it! It has promise! I JUST NEED MORE HITS AND/OR REVIEWS!!!

* * *

Agent HUNK was bored, and his stomach hurt. Somebody had kneed him in the gut after Dr. Insane-O threw him into the Women's Bathroom. And once he'd crawled back into the restaraunt, everyone was gone. He was now walking around the village, checking the place out and wondering how he was going to waste his time. "There's got to be something for me to do..."

---

Meanwhile, Jariaya had just finished teaching Dr. Insane-O the Transparency Jutsu. "Okay, now that you've mastered that jutsu..." Jariaya was grinning quite broadly, "Its time to test your skills."

"How so?" Dr. Insane-O arched an eyebrow.

"I want you..." Jariaya's cheeks acquired a pink tinge, "To go scout every Women's Bathhouse in Konoha and find out which one has the best babes in it!"

Dr. Insane-O's monocled eyes nearly fell out of his head. "AWSOME!!!!!!" he jumped up and punched at the air. "YOU ROCK, JARIAYA-SENSEI!!!"

"I know I do..." Jariaya grinned as Dr. Insane-O ran off.

---

Agent HUNK had made his way to the Konoha Shinobi Headquarters. He was sitting in the Jonin Lounge Room, as the Hokage had apparently considered him skilled enough to classify him as a Jonin. Which was funny, considering nobody knew how much he could and couldn't do... As Agent HUNK sat patiently on a couch reading a Mission Scroll, a shadow suddenly loomed over him. "Who do we have here?" the chain-smoker known as Asume smirked.

"I'm Agent HUNK," he replied.

"Well, Mr. HUNK... I assume you're Kakashi's little prodige?" Asume folded his arms and waited for an answer.

"Yes. And please, don't call me "Mr. HUNK." Call me Agent HUNK, HUNK, H, or if you must use a Mr., say Mr. Death..." Agent HUNK replied matter-o-factly.

"Mr. Death?" Asume arched an eyebrow.

"Yes, Mr. Death..." Agent HUNK replied.

"Where'd you get that name?" Asuma's morbid curiousity made him ask.

"I picked it up along the way..." Agent HUNK shrugged. "After killing so many things, you tend to build a reputation..."

"I see..." Asume nodded, wondering how crazy this guy really was.

"GRRRR..." Agent HUNK threw the scroll over his shoulder. "THESE MISSIONS SUCK!!! Where's the challenge?! Why can't there be a monster slaying quest or something, instead of all these "clean this" or "fix that" chores?!"

"Because you've got the wrong scroll..." Asume handed him another one. "And one more thing... why do you wear that mask?"

"Well..." Agent HUNK paused to think about it. "Its because-"

"IT KEEPS HIS POWERS CONTAINED!!!" a voice yelled from the hallway. "ONE TIME, HE TOOK IT OFF AND ALL OF THE CIGARETTES AND CIGARS WITHIN 3 MILES SPONTANIOUSLY COMBUSTED!!!" Upon hearing that, Asume paled. Agent HUNK growled. Dr. Insane-O stuck his bloodied and bruised head through the door. "Hi, guys!"

"What are you doing here?" Agent HUNK hissed.

"I got caught sneaking into the Women's Bathhouse!" Dr. Insane-O grinned, revealing several missing teeth. "They're taking me to the Hokage!"

"C'mon, you pervert..." Anko appeared in the doorway and grabbed him by the collar. She then dragged him away, yelling at him as they went. Agent HUNK couldn't help but notice that her hair was wet and there was water dripping from her face.

"Well, that was wierd..." he sighed.

**_Shhhhrrrip. Snnnnrrrrip._**

"What are you doing?" Agent HUNK asked Asume, who was duct taping the sides of his gas mask.

"Protecting my tobacco..." Asume replied casually.

"I see..." he muttered. He then snapped his fingers, and the cigarette in Asuma's mouth lit on fire and turned to ash. The pack of cigarettes in his pocket also began to smoulder. "You failed."

"NO!!!" Asume screamed, trying to pull the now flaming pack from his pocket. His pants soon caught alight as well, and within seconds he was being immoliated. "AAAAAAHHH!!!!" Asume ran out of the room screaming, flailing his arms and leaving a trail of smoke in his wake.

"Oops..." Agent HUNK gulped nervously. "He's not going to be happy when he gets back..."

---

A few minutes later, Dr. Insane-O swaggered out of the Hokage's office. Agent HUNK, his head now a massive ball of duct tape, was waiting in the hallway for him. "So how'd it go?" Agent HUNK asked, his voice muffled by the adhesive material.

"Meh..." Dr. Insane-O shrugged. "I just got yelled at. A lot..."

"How'd you get caught?" Agent HUNK enquired.

"I tripped..." Dr. Insane-O replied innocently, "And fell... Into the bath... On top of-"

"Me..." Anko growled. Agent HUNK hadn't noticed her leaning over their shoulders.

"Oh, hello..." Agent HUNK greeted her nicely. Dr. Insane-O smiled innocently. She just glared at them both. "Oh, c'mon... I didn't do anything!" Agent HUNK whined.

"You're his friend, though..." she growled.

"Nah, we're enemies as much as friends..." Dr. Insane-P patted Agent HUNK on the shoulder. "Rivals, if you will..." Without warning, he punched Agent HUNK in the gut. However, bullet-proof vests can work wonders against knuckles. "CRAAAAP!!!" he yelled, grabbing his hand. "KEVLAR HURTS!!!"

"Heh heh..." Anko chuckled. "Serves you right..."

"I'm Agent HUNK, by the way..." Agent HUNK nodded.

"I know..." she replied. "Asuma told me about you. Something about a psychotic pyromaniac..."

"Yep, that'd be me..." he chuckled.

"What's with the mask?" Anko suddenly asked.

Agent HUNK didn't even get a chance to answer. "HE'S SO HANDSOME THAT IF YOU SAW HIS FACE, YOUR UTERUS WOULD EXPLODE AND YOU'D DIE!!!" Dr. Insane-O tried to "warn" her.

Dead silence.

"He's lying..." Agent HUNK pointed at his annoying friend.

"Wow..." Anko shook her head. "Its like... I'm curious... and yet... at the same time I'm not..."

"Curiosity killed the cat..." Dr. Insane-O shook his head, "Or... uh... the snake..."

"You're seriously getting on my nerves..." Anko growled.

"AHA!!!" Asuma suddenly appeared out of nowhere and grabbed Agent HUNK. "I FOUND MORE DUCT TAPE!!!" he exclaimed, holding up several large rolls of the material.

"Uh oh..." Agent HUNK gulped.

"Dude, just blow him up or something..." Dr. Insane-O shrugged.

"I don't want to... he's cool!" Agent HUNK replied as the madman started add more duct tape to the mass that use to be his head.

"Fine then, I will..." Dr. Insane-O held out his hands and closed his eyes in concentration. He then clapped his hands together, and...

Nothing happened.

"Dang..." Dr. Insane-O growled. "I really need some Author Powers..."

* * *

Will Jariaya get the info he needs? Will Asuma wear away Agent HUNK's nerves and get killed? Will Dr. Insane-O get Author Powers? Give me some good reviews and you'll find out sooner than later...


	5. Dealing With the Devil

Darthjag, one of my longest and most helpful readers, will be receiving a cameo in this chapter. Nobody else ask for a cameo, please. He/she only gets one because they've helped me out a lot, and I needed a guinee pig for some ideas. Bwahahahahah!

Lets see if Dr. Insane-O can scrounge up some Author Powers... And if so, how badly he'll screw up the world with them...

* * *

"Stupid Agent HUNK..." Dr. Insane-O growled as he walked down the street, kicking a can as he went. A few hours had past since their discussion in the Shinobi HQ. Agent HUNK had finally grown tired of Asuma and wrapped him up in a giant cigarette. Dr. Insane-O, already upset by his lack of Author Powers, was seriously jealour now. "He gets to use Author Powers while all I can do is use a few crummy Jutsus..." 

"Psssssst... Come here..." a voice hissed, catching Dr. Insane-O's attention.

"Huh?" he looked around.

"Over here..." a shadow figure wearing a trench-coat waved from a dim alley.

"My mommy always told me now to talk to shadow figures in alleys... And the last time I did it..." Dr. Insane-O whimpered, "I saw some very bad things..."

"Uh..." the figure seemed a bit disturbed to hear that, "Don't worry... I've got an offer for you..."

"What kind of offer?" Dr. Insane-O asked suspiciously.

"Author Powerssss..." the shadowy figure replied with a hiss.

"Awsome..." Dr. Insane-O grinned. He quickly sprinted into the alley and leaned against the wall next to the shadow figure. "What's the deal?"

"I can give you Author Powers, but for a price..." the shadow figure replied, waving his hands around oddly.

"Whatever the price, I'll pay it..." Dr. Insane-O replied eagerly.

"Excellent... Meet me at the abandoned warehouse in 3 hours. And don't tell Agent HUNK _anything_..." the shadowy figure replied.

"No problem..." And with that, Dr. Insane-O walked away.

"Heh heh heh hah hah hah..." the figure chuckled. "Excellent... KABUTO!"

Another person stood up from behind him and adjusted his glasses. "Yes, Lord Orochimaru?"

Dun dun dun! Sure enough, the shadowy figure was the Snake-Nin in disguise. "What were you doing with my arms!?" Orochimaru growled.

"Making you look more animated..." Kabuto shrugged, holding up a pair of ropes.

"Well you suck at it!" Orochimaru growled. "Now lets go. I've got to find some Author Powers for our friend..."

---

Three hours later, Dr. Insane-O was standing in the dark inside an abandoned warehouse. "Helloooooo? Mr. Shadowy Figure?"

"Yes?" the figure walked out from behind some boxes.

"Where are my Powers?" Dr. Insane-O asked eagerly.

"Right here..." the figure pulled a briefcase out from inside his trench coat. He did it a bit awkwardly though, as if his arms didn't work right. "Kabuto!" he hissed under his breath.

"Sorry..." a voice whispered from behind him.

"So where'd you get the Author Powers for me, anyway?" Dr. Insane-O asked.

"Somebody was kind enough to give them to us..." the shadowy figure replied.

"WHERE'S MY FREAKING COOKIE?!" a loud voice boomed from another room. "YOU PROMISED ME A COOKIE, YOU SCALY JERK!!!"

"Who was that?" Dr. Insane-O blinked dumbly.

"Darthjag... They were the nice enough person..." the shadow figure replied, a sweatdrop visible upon him even in the dim lighting.

"Oh... well... GIMME THE POWERS!!!" Dr. Insane-O exclaimed impatiently.

"Okay..." the figure handed him the briefcase.

Dr. Insane-O eagerly opened it up. He pulled out a pencil and a few pieces of paper. "What's this?"

"Author Powers..." the shadowy figure replied.

The papers and pencil suddenly turned into dust. The cloud of dust swirled around Dr. Insane-O, and then dissappeared. "Duuuuuude..." Dr. Insane-O grinned. "I feel Author-y!"

"Now I need you to do something for me..." the shadowy figure replied. "I want you to go take care of Agent HUNK..."

"Take care of as in kill him?" Dr. Insane-O asked in shock.

"Well, maybe not kill him..." the shadowy figure shrugged.

"Oh..." Dr. Insane-O paused, "Because, I mean, I've got no problem with killing the jerk..."

"But I thought you were friends?" the shadowy figure asked.

"Nah, we're more like rivals usually..." Dr. Insane-O shrugged. "Well, I'm going to go take care of him for you. See ya!" He then turned and walked out of the building.

"Talk about loyalty..." Kabuto grumbled.

"I know..." Orochimaru nodded in agreement.

"WHERE'S MY COOKIE?!" Darthjag screamed from the other room.

"SHUT UP, PUNY MORTAL!!!" Orochimaru yelled.

"PUNY MORTAL!? YOU'RE THE FRICKIN' PEDOPHILE!!!" Darthjag retorted.

"Hah hah..." Kabuto chuckled. "You are a bit creepy around kids..."

"Oh, shut up..." Orochimaru hissed.

---

Agent HUNK was sitting in the Break Room at the Shinobi HQ when Dr. Insane-O found him. He was sitting on the couch chatting with Iruka and a few other random shinobi. "Hey dude, guess what!" Dr. Insane-O swaggered over to his friend.

"What?" Agent HUNK looked up.

"I GOT AUTHOR POWERS!!!" Dr. Insane-O exclaimed.

"WHAT?!" Agent HUNK screamed, scrambling backwards against the back of the sofa in shock. "YOU GOT WHAT?!"

"CHECK IT OUT!!!" Dr. Insane-O held up his hands.

"NO, DON'T-" Agent HUNK tried to protest and stop him, but it was too late. Dr. Insane-O clapped his hands together, and he was gone. There wasn't a single trace left of the Author. He was completely and utterly gone.

"What did you do?" Iruka stared in horror at the spot where Agent HUNK had been sitting seconds before.

"I sent him away..." Dr. Insane-O shrugged.

"Away to where?" Iruka asked.

---

Meanwhile, Agent HUNK had suddenly found himself standing in the middle of a wide hallway. There were no light fixtures, but the room was illuminated by the moonlight coming in through the many open windows stretching down the hallway. "Why does this place look familiar?" Agent HUNK mused.

"Hhhrrrrrrnnnnnggg..." a moan caught his attention. He suddenly realized that there was a crowd of zombies at either end of the hallway, and they were all slowly advancing towards him with their arms outstretched and their mouths open.

"This should be fun..." Agent HUNK chuckled. He clapped his hands together, expecting a shotgun or revolver to appear on the ground in front of him. But nothing happened. "Uh oh..." Agent HUNK gulped as the zombies came closer and the sounds of dogs growling also joined the chorus of moans. "This isn't good..."

---

"The Spencer Estate..." Dr. Insane-O shrugged. "You know... from Resident Evil..."

"..." Iruka and the other ninjas stared at him.

"I also stole his Author Powers..." Dr. Insane-O grinned. "Now its time for me to have some fun!"

---

At the exact same time, Jariaya was "researching" near a waterfall in the jungle. As he watched the women bathing in the water with perverted glee, his grin was suddenly replaced by a frown, and his eyes narrowed suspiciously. "I sense a disturbance in the Perversion..."

* * *

Is Agent HUNK out of the picture? Will Dr. Insane-O wreak unimaginable havok upon Konoha? Can Jariaya save the day? We'll find out in the next chapter. Probably...

Review, please!


End file.
